Open up
http://www.guardian.co.uk/china/story/0,73...1084883,00.html
The Chinese are still obsessed with saving face - isn't it time we moved on and loosened up?
Xinran
Friday November 14, 2003
The Guardian
I have just got back from Iceland. It was a refreshing experience - not only because of the beautiful, cold weather, the open landscape, the northern lights and the way the coffee smelled on those dark mornings, but also because of the the warm hearts of the Icelanders. They treat visitors as family - with their open minds and past full of pain and poverty. That is how I feel in China, except when it comes to talking about the past.
Almost every Icelander I met told me how poor their grandparents were: most had had to give away some of their children because they did not have enough to feed them all. Mothers had to count out the slices of bread for their daily rations. Girls married very early in order to give up their place in the home to their younger brothers or sisters. So many mothers had never known a life without worry.
There was no shame in their voices - they are proud of having moved on. They know how much they owe previous, impoverished generations. Their voices are full of respect and love for their poor parents.
Sixteen-year-old Fang, who is one of only two Chinese students in Iceland, told me that he was very surprised to find that Icelanders were so open and had no fear of losing face.
Iceland's past is similar to China's in many ways. But the Chinese have never opened up enough to tell people how poor they have been and how much they have suffered. Why? Because Chinese people cannot lose face. If you know any Chinese or have been to China, I am sure you must know how important saving face is for the Chinese.
In the (not too distant) past, and even today in the poorer areas of China, most people saved money on food in order to spend it on clothes - because at least no one would see your empty stomach. In rural areas people used to keep a piece of salty fat and smear it on their lips as make-up to impress others even if they had nothing to cook that day.
Once a man from the countryside had been educated or become established in the city, his peasant family would no longer be allowed to visit him, for fear of the man losing face in front of his new friends and acquaintances.
In the days when we were lost on some levels, many men had to kill themselves to keep their brave image, even as some parents forced their "unclean" daughters - ones who had been raped or had lost their husbands or been touched by another man - to die to save the family's image.
When hundreds and thousands of Chinese starved in the 1960s, the newspapers continued to report large harvests, just so that we should not look unsuccessful. Even when we had a terrible earthquake in 1976, we hardly asked for any international aid in order to keep our self-respect.
Even though the numbers of Chinese women from rural areas committing suicide have topped world league tables in the past few years, many are still refusing to accept the truth to save their so-called liberated image.
So many city women also have to be traditional women at home. Even after a hard day's work, as hard as any man's, they end up doing the housework, looking after the child and the elderly relatives. Some people say this signifies "equal rights" for their image as a good woman.
Think of those women who have had to give away their baby girls. Few know who they are and no one holds them and soothes their broken hearts with warm, caring words because the families need a proud image for their family tree.
I don't know how many Chinese lives it has cost to save face in the past. I don't know how much time, energy and natural resources we are using up to maintain an image of power, just because we have not got enough international knowledge to educate younger generations to rid themselves of the vanity behind our image.
But I am glad to say that more and more young Chinese people notice the weakness of hiding behind such an image and have started questioning it: what is it for? I hope that soon we can be more free and open to tell people how much our Chinese grandmothers and mothers have given us through their suffering. The past is what makes up the roots of today; we need it for our future.